Posts

Top 3 Tips for Surviving College

College sucks. A lot. I mean friends and parties and crack cocaine are cool but studying is no fun, especially when you don't care about the course material. Here are 3 tips that have helped me get through the first few days of college. Hopefully these tips will help you too.

1) Study at school.
Studying at school makes it infinitely easier. If you're at home, you're always tempted to hurry up and finish so you can get back on Twitter or something. Also, if you get stuck on something, it's super easy to get frustrated and give up. Avoid this by studying in the library or another location filled with people being productive, so that you are inspired to be just as productive.

2) Study with a buddy.
This is a win win win situation.
Situation 1 - You both understand the material and therefore will kick ass on the next exam.
Situation 2 - You are struggling on the homework and your friend can help you. Then you both proceed to kick ass on the exam.
Situation 3 - Neither of you und…

Why iPhones Are A HUGE Scam

Image
Apple is a joke. I'd be pissed if I found out my phone was being slowed down on purpose, but luckily I didn't buy a piece of garbage iPhone. I'm Team Android, my friends. The problem with buying iPhones is that there is no competitive market. No other company can produce phones running iOS so they can charge whatever they want. Absolutely ridiculous. People think the iPhone X is so cool with is edge-to-edge display but it's actually nothing new.
I'm not even gonna put a picture of an iPhone X because I will refuse to advertise for Apple. And Face ID? That's been out since before the Holy Bible was written! My grandpa's Nokia flip phone has face unlock! I'm kidding obviously, but Androids have had face unlock since like 2011. This is just one feature in a long list of features that have been copied from Android. So why do people buy iPhones?

I can't speak for everyone but I know that all these white kids between the ages of 13 and 25 buy it for the sam…

WE NEED URINAL DIVIDERS

Image
How hard is it to buy some f*cking urinal dividers? My high school has some of the richest b*tches in the state. Chicks walkin up in here with a f*cking Louis Vuitton bag in one hand and Tropical Smoothie in another. Like you can pay $30 billion to build this place and then you can't afford a few blocks of plastic? What the f*ck is my tax money being used for? For your dumb*sses to sit in government and act like you're doing something productive? Talk to me when I can't see Professor Wang's little ding-dong on break you idiots. What did they expect to happen? Probably this:

*Kim Jong Un and Trump are peeing next to each other*
Kim Jong Un: "That's a nicely sized penis you got there bro"
Trump: "Hey thanks man, I really appreciate that. Yours is pretty nice too!"
*they fist bump*

In reality, this is what actually happens.

Kim Jong Un: "That's a nicely sized penis you got there bro"
Trump: "Thanks little d*ck boi."
*Kim Jong Un pul…

Why Jazz Is Magical in So Many Ways

Image
Jazz, in my opinion, is the best genre of music. You may think of it as elevator music or background music for a cocktail party. Or it's slow and boring. Not really. What you don't realize is how much genius goes into each recording. Except for the melody, most of the song is improvised on the spot. That's what makes it so amazing to listen to. And no two recordings are the same. Every version of "Take The A Train" sounds so different, so it never gets old. Each artist has their own, distinct style.


Jazz makes you think. Today's pop doesn't. Seriously. Next time you turn on some jazz, really listen to it. Listen to the bass, and the piano, and the drums individually. It's brilliant. You never know what's coming next in the song, unless you've listened to it a million times. My favorite record is "O Tannenbaum" by the Vince Guaraldi Trio. I could honestly probably hum the whole song including the improvised solo. I invite you to liste…

Stoplight Racers Must Be Stopped

Image
Today, I pulled up to a stoplight where there was an innocent sky blue Nissan Leaf. Probably around 2012 or so. Light turns green and the dude floors it. LOL. What in the world did you buy a Nissan Leaf for? The car gets like 100 miles per gallon but it has like 20 horsepower. A freaking moped could beat that thing if it tried. It makes no sense. You're wasting gas in a car that was designed to be fuel-efficient in an attempt to go fast even though it's slower than a horse-drawn carriage.

These stoplight racers are hilarious. They also race to red lights and then slam on the brakes with 5 feet between them and the white line. Dude, relax. Take your piece of sh*t prius to a track and see what happens. You're not cool by racing your grandma's backup car. As a matter of fact, you look 'bout dumb as sh*t just sitting there regardless. Who cares about the environment? The world is gonna end in 2012 anyway you idiot so you might as well buy a Mustang or something. Next t…

Soccer Moms Suck: Part 2

Image
If you guys noticed yesterday, I was wearing a referee jersey. I am indeed a soccer referee, which is partly why I know all these things about soccer moms. Every game that I ref my hate grows. For today's blog post, I want to bring to light a phrase that I love to hear from parents.

During a 10-year-old recreational soccer game-
*kid falls after the slightest touch and starts complaining*
*I let play go on, no foul*
Mom: "REF!! ARE YOU SERIOUS! KEEP MY KID SAFE! SOMEONE'S GONNA GET HURT OUR HERE!"
Me: "Uh ma'am he got all ball"
Mom: "Are you serious? Open your eyes ref!"
Me: "If your child is hurt feel free to call 911. Otherwise maybe you can ask my dad who you probably assume is a doctor you RACIST B*TCH"
*Mom stops recording on her iPad and goes to quietly sit in her 2004 Honda Odyssey*

First off, concern for your child's safety is a feeling of sadness, not anger. If you actually cared about your kid's "safety" y…

#SingWithMeSaturday 10/14

Image
It's Saturday again. I hope everyone is doing great. Spoiler: This week I have chosen another modern-day pop song. Like I said before, I'm not a fan of today's music. I have plenty of older songs that I love, but whenever there's a decent pop song out, I'll choose that instead. "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen is not getting old anytime soon, but chart toppers only last a few weeks. So I try to enjoy the record before it makes me want to smash my radio.



Don't get me wrong. Maroon 5 has come a long way from "This Love", "She Will Be Loved", and "Sunday Morning". And not in a good way. With that being said, the beat on this song is bonkers. I mean I don't even know what the song means but I don't care. Is it about a struggling relationship? Like some T-Swift and Harry Styles bullsh*t? If you know, tell me in the comments. Also, I can't even discern what the lyrics are, as you can tell in the video. And there'…