Lazy Wonton Blogs

Apple is a joke. I'd be pissed if I found out my phone was being slowed down on purpose, but luckily I didn't buy a piece of garbage iPhone. I'm Team Android, my friends. The problem with buying iPhones is that there is no competitive market. No other company can produce phones running iOS so they can charge whatever they want. Absolutely ridiculous. People think the iPhone X is so cool with is edge-to-edge display but it's actually nothing new. This is the Essential Phone, which retails for 1/2 of the iPhone X. I'm not even gonna put a picture of an iPhone X because I will refuse to advertise for Apple. And Face ID? That's been out since before the Holy Bible was written! My grandpa's Nokia flip phone has face unlock! I'm kidding obviously, but Androids have had face unlock since like 2011. This is just one feature in a long list of features that have been copied from Android. So why do people buy iPhones? I can't speak for everyone but I kno...

How hard is it to buy some f*cking urinal dividers? My high school has some of the richest b*tches in the state. Chicks walkin up in here with a f*cking Louis Vuitton bag in one hand and Tropical Smoothie in another. Like you can pay $30 billion to build this place and then you can't afford a few blocks of plastic? What the f*ck is my tax money being used for? For your dumb*sses to sit in government and act like you're doing something productive? Talk to me when I can't see Professor Wang's little ding-dong on break you idiots. What did they expect to happen? Probably this: *Kim Jong Un and Trump are peeing next to each other* Kim Jong Un: "That's a nicely sized penis you got there bro" Trump: "Hey thanks man, I really appreciate that. Yours is pretty nice too!" *they fist bump* In reality, this is what actually happens. Kim Jong Un: "That's a nicely sized penis you got there bro" Trump: "Thanks little d*ck boi....

Today, I pulled up to a stoplight where there was an innocent sky blue Nissan Leaf. Probably around 2012 or so. Light turns green and the dude floors it. LOL. What in the world did you buy a Nissan Leaf for? The car gets like 100 miles per gallon but it has like 20 horsepower. A freaking moped could beat that thing if it tried. It makes no sense. You're wasting gas in a car that was designed to be fuel-efficient in an attempt to go fast even though it's slower than a horse-drawn carriage. These stoplight racers are hilarious. They also race to red lights and then slam on the brakes with 5 feet between them and the white line. Dude, relax. Take your piece of sh*t prius to a track and see what happens. You're not cool by racing your grandma's backup car. As a matter of fact, you look 'bout dumb as sh*t just sitting there regardless. Who cares about the environment? The world is gonna end in 2012 anyway you idiot so you might as well buy a Mustang or something. Next ...

If you guys noticed yesterday, I was wearing a referee jersey. I am indeed a soccer referee, which is partly why I know all these things about soccer moms. Every game that I ref my hate grows. For today's blog post, I want to bring to light a phrase that I love to hear from parents. During a 10-year-old recreational soccer game- *kid falls after the slightest touch and starts complaining* *I let play go on, no foul* Mom: "REF!! ARE YOU SERIOUS! KEEP MY KID SAFE! SOMEONE'S GONNA GET HURT OUR HERE! " Me: "Uh ma'am he got all ball" Mom: "Are you serious? Open your eyes ref!" Me: "If your child is hurt feel free to call 911. Otherwise maybe you can ask my dad who you probably assume is a doctor you RACIST B*TCH" *Mom stops recording on her iPad and goes to quietly sit in her 2004 Honda Odyssey* First off, concern for your child's safety is a feeling of sadness, not anger. If you actually cared about your kid's "sa...

So the U.S. Men's National Soccer Team didn't qualify for the 2018 World Cup. WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK? Even f*cking Panama is in the tournament for goodness sake. Where even is Panama?! F*cking Egypt qualified and all they can do well is build pyramids! The United States has a few stars such as Pulisic and Yedlin but obviously they aren't good enough to carry some MLS fata*sses to the World Cup. Look at Michael Bradley. Does this monk look like someone that you'd be scared of on the soccer pitch? Hell no. He looks like the kid that gets dunked on in PE. More importantly, us not qualifying for the World Cup is kinda like America saying to the world, "hey guys, feel free to dunk on us because we're soft as sh*t." And then some 5'3 Panamanian dude goes on has his nuts on our head. This is an embarrassment. Maybe Trump should delay the construction of his wall a little bit because we need some help from our talented Mexican footballers down sou...

So recently I've been posting some inspirational stuff and I don't think you guys enjoy that quite as much as my rants. So here I am, ranting (kind of). The worst part about being a STEM major is the lack of babes. I mean seriously every class you take has like 95% guys in it. It's like a real-life Twitch chat room! All the hot girls are on the other side of campus at the College of Arts and Sciences are something. I mean, Ariana Grande ain't majoring in Computer Engineering now is she? Not only that, if you actually do meet a girl you will likely be screwed over in your chances of making her your girlfriend because your brain is full of some Javascript bullsh*t or something. All charm and social skills = gone. Your only chance of pulling them is your ridiculous salary after you graduate. hopefully you got the reference Perfect 10: So what do you do in your free time? Me: Oh, I like to code programs in Java that calculate the pseudorange of a satellite from a gi...

I had a pretty good today, until I got to calc class. I swear that class will piss me off to no end. I always say that "Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success.", but how in the world am I supposed to enjoy doing trig integrals? That sh*t is so useless.  Chick Fil-A Cashier: Hi, my name is Susie how can I serve you today? Me: Hey can I get a number 1 meal with no pickles and a coke please? Cashier: Of course, is that all for today sir? Me: Yes Cashier: Ok your total is $7.32 I can serve you at the first window. *I calculate trig integrals in my head* Me: I think your calculations are off I believe the total should be $5. Cashier: Um no sir, the computer always calculates the correct total. Me: Shut up boi I learned this stuff in my college calculus class. *hands the cashier $5* Cashier: Uh ok sir my pleasure? And in addition, I swear even my professor struggles when he's writing the examples on the board. If you can't even do ...

Obviously, we all love and appreciate our caring soccer moms. They do a ton of awesome things, which far outweigh the annoying things that they do. With that in mind, here are three reasons why soccer moms suck. 1) They worry to much about their child's safety. It's great that they care, but honestly your kid most likely did not break his leg when he tripped. Moms will go absolutely bonkers if they see their kid hit the deck no matter what happened. Also, in the hotter months they pack a whole gallon of sunscreen for the first half for their kid. As a former player, I know that the scent of some coconut sunscreen makes me want to lie down, not ball out on these nerds on the other team. Honestly, just let them tough it out. Stuff like this makes them soft. And we hate soft kids. 2) Aggressive Drivers Behind pizza delivery drivers, soccer moms are arguably the most aggressive kind of drivers on the road at 5:58 on a Tuesday night. And we all know exactly what this entails...

Holy crap my dude "look what you made me do" is absolutely awful!!! Took them about 5 minutes to write the whole song and its so monotone and boring. and this song was at one point getting 2-3 million plays per day on Spotify? If a less-popular artist sang that song, I guarantee 2-3 million people would have said that song was absolute sh*t. But instead we have the pleasure of hearing on the radio every day. What has the music industry come to? Worse, what happened to taylor swift's singing and songwriting talent? Do yourselves a favor everyone, start listening to some quality music! Not something that's catchy for 2.5 days. Force talented people to go back to actually using their talent and not just making money. Look at maroon 5 - they started with "sunday morning" and now they're singing songs like "cold." Let's change it. Elton John should be on your snap story, not the Chainsmokers. maybe kanye was right? Disclaimer: If you genuin...